An Adventure In Love (redneck style)

Anonymous
http://www.ncbuy.com/humor/jokes_view.html?jkv=12685

Grandma's Aprons

APRONS

By Tina Trivett and By Robert Ragan

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect

the dress underneath, because she only had a few. 

It was easier to wash aprons than dresses and they

used less material; but along with that, it served as a

potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on

occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying

eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to

be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were

ideal hiding places for shy kids.

 And when the weather was cold

grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a

perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought

into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.

After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

 In the fall, the apron was used to bring

in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road,

 it was surprising how much furniture that

old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out

onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men

folks knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents

something that will replace that 'old-time

apron' that served so many purposes.

REMEMBER:

Grandma used to set her hot baked

apple pies on the windowsill to cool.

 Her granddaughters set theirs on the windowsill to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure

out how many germs were on that apron.

I don't think I ever caught anything bad from an apron.

I caught a case of LOVE from one.

The Streets Hit The Road

I talk a wild talk about Harley-Davidsons, but in truth, I am scared to death of them ;-)… Let’s just say that I have been given rides on the back of five different motorcycles. Of the five trips, I have been in wrecks three times. The last ride was with my husband who had just bought a nice road motorcycle. He begged and pleaded with me to get on. I finally relented. We were cruising through our town and were passing by a friend’s home – both of us were waving at our friend because he was outside in his yard. We were not paying attention to the road. Suddenly, “wwhhaackk..ssplaaaatt..whuuumppp” I flew and my husband flew and we both skidded across the asphalted street. The motorcycle had hit something in the middle of the road…the friend watching said it was a dog. I was upset and got up from the road to see if it was okay; but it wasn’t there. It had run off. I checked to see if my hubby was okay. He was scraped a bit but fine…so I kissed him and took off in search of the dog. Now, I’m thinking that we had hit a small dog who now needed major medical attention. Nope, it was a huge Great Dane, and believe it or not, it was in better shape than my husband or myself. The dog is still alive today…my husband and I recovered from our scrapes and bruises; however, I have not gotten on a motorcycle since.

The dog was the only Great Dane in the neighborhood and everyone was familiar with it, (a crazy dog some said) so it wasn’t hard to find. He was a little shaken, but okay. I went back and checked on him for the next two weeks and he was fine. The motorcycle now has a little bent bar that surrounds the engine. I feel kind of sad for my husband because he bought the bike thinking that we could cruise together around the countryside and now his wife is too afraid. I keep telling him to just go and enjoy the ride and that I will wait for him. He won’t go though.

An Early Biking Adventure

Yes, it is worth it

Paulo Coelho

Life is like a big bike race where the goal is to fulfill you personal legend.
At the start, we are riding together, sharing the camaraderie and enthusiasm. But as the race progresses, the initial joy gives way to the real challenges: tiredness, monotony and doubts about our own abilities.
We notice that some have withdrawn. They are still running, but only because they cannot stop in the middle of a road. They are numerous, pedaling alongside the support car, talking to each other and performing only their obligations.

Eventually we distance ourselves from them and we are forced to face the loneliness and the surprises of the unknown curves with the bikes. And after a while, we begin to wonder if it’s worth the effort.

Yes, it is worth it. Just don’t quit.

****************************************************************

 After reading this in Paulo's blog, I remembered an experience/adventure that changed my life.

IS "THAT THING" A BOY OR A GIRL?

When I was much younger, around 11 years, I loved riding bikes with friends and also alone. At this age, I discovered that I had matured much faster than my friends; however in this race, I decided, at first, to remain, as much as possible, “with the pack.” I wore huge shirts to cover my size D cup breasts. Even though my mother insisted, I would not wear a bra. I just wanted to be like the other neighborhood children my age — most of them boys. I even cut my hair short to fit in. We had a baseball park next to my home, and I could pitch a baseball with the best of them.

One morning, “braless,” I put on my huge shirt and started on a solo bike ride to the nearest store to buy some penny candy. As I was pedaling past the ballpark, I noticed a motorhome that had parked there for the night. An older lady and a man were sitting in folding chairs sipping their morning coffee. As I rode by, the lady commented rather loudly and snippy, “Is THAT THING a boy or a girl? I can’t tell.”

I rode on contemplating her remarks. "People from the sideline during the race of life CAN influence the outcome if you let them."

"I AM a girl, lady…How dare you!!!"

When I pedaled back from the store, the lady was still there sipping away at her coffee… I edged my bike close enough to her so that I could see that she really didn’t have much up front in her blouse. Then, I lifted my shirt proudly showing her my well developed front and remarked to the old coot, that I was one hundred and ten percent girl and that she had better not judge people so rudely especially when they had more than she. Then I continued on my trek.

I really don’t know what possessed me to do that; but, I’ll have to admit, the look on her face was priceless.

“When onlookers make negative remarks at your progress toward your personal legend, let their remarks flop in a can like garbage…that is unless you have a great comeback line that will leave them thinking – especially with their mouths open."

It Was Just a High School Assembly

It Was Just a High School Assembly

Written by Dr. John L. Lund

The event was similar to what we could find at a typical high school in Southern California on a Friday for an assembly. There was a big game that night between rival schools and a dance was to take place afterwards. The bleachers in the gym were filled with nearly three thousand students. Excited to be out of their classes and with their friends, there were three thousand voices all abuzz about everything from the upcoming game to who broke up with who and what would be the appropriate attire for the evening. My daughter was a senior and one of the three thousand voices. She had brought home an announcement that the assembly speaker would be addressing the topic of "Overcoming Adversity." Uninvited and yet welcomed, I asked for and received permission from the principal to attend the lecture.

The noise from the student body was deafening and a determined vice-principal finally brought the crowd under control and yet there was a persistent din in the background. I quickly moved as close to the speaker's podium as possible in order to hear. What I expected was a polished presenter who would be dressed for success, someone filled with wit and wisdom, someone who had overcome drugs or alcohol and now was a role model at the top of his or her field of employment. What followed was a life changing moment.

Standing in front of the entire student body was a woman in her mid-forties. She was blind and flanked by her two daughters. She told the most horrific story of being stocked, sexually violated, stabbed and left for dead. Her details were so graphic that one could hear a pin drop as she told of how this vile man wrapped her in a shower curtain to dispose of her body. She was not dead as he had supposed. She groaned unconsciously as he tried to put her body in the trunk of his car. He immediately reached for a gun and placed it at the side of her head. The bullet removed her eyes and the bridge of her nose.

The gun shot brought a startled neighbor and the man fled. He was eventually apprehended by the police and served seven years in prison and is now back in society. The woman's husband divorced her and abandoned this woman and the two girls that sat behind their mother on the stage. She spoke of her long and painful facial operations and her recuperation. She related her experience of learning brail and going to college and eventually graduating. She bore testimony that every student in that gymnasium could overcome whatever adversity that life might place in their pathway and stood as a living witness.

When she finished, she invited the students to ask her any question that they would like. A special microphone had been set up for that opportunity. Two hundred or more students lined up. Most left the line when the first question was asked as they all had the same question. "How much time do you spend thinking about the man that did these terrible things to you and the fact that he is free to be in our society?"

She said, "I get that question everywhere I lecture. I will have to live with the consequences of what he did to me and I will be blind for the rest of my life, but I refuse to be a victim of self pity and neither should you. All of you will become the victim of the selfishness of others. You cannot choose how others may treat you but you can always choose how you are going to respond. Let me tell you that I have done the worst thing that any human being could ever do to that man. I have forgiven him and turned him over to God. He has had all of me that he is ever going to have. And I am not going to give him my todays, and I am not going to give him my tomorrows!!!.

There was a stunned moment of silence followed by every student jumping up and applauding this woman. There was an intrinsic truth in what she had said and we all knew it. It was just a high school assembly, but I left pondering this question, "How many of my todays and my tomorrows do I want to give to my yesterdays?"

Humorous = A Man's Wedding Night Adventure

Explanation of God

The following was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula Vista , CA . He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to "explain God". I wonder if any of us could have done as well?

EXPLANATION OF GOD:


"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
 

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista . At least there aren't any who come to our church.
 

 Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him. But He was good and kind, like his Father, and he told his Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said, 'O.K.'
 

 His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all his hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.
 

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time. You should always go to church on Sunday, because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God! Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
 

 If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.
 

 But... you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.
 

And... that's why I believe in God."